Could Arguing Be Hurting Your Child?

We all have disagreements from time to time with our partners or spouses and these can at times result in raised voices.  But, could this or other more common methods of disagreeing actually be traumatizing your child?

According to researchers at the Southern Methodist University in Dallas, a child’s perception of threat during parental or spousal disagreements significantly impacted their likelihood of being traumatized by the experience.  Thus, even when the mother may have felt differently about the extent of threat or violence in the disagreement, the child’s emotions were more predictive than the mother’s thoughts or feelings with regards to the likelihood of trauma.

The extent of trauma was analyzed among the children aged 7-10 years old by way of the frequency and intensity of nightmares, negative feelings and attempts to forget about the fight, associated with the events.  Children were therefore asked questions in order to determine just how badly particular fights were affecting them.

The results were such that researchers concluded that even very low levels of violence could be interpreted as threatening to the child and thereby cause trauma.  While it remains unclear as to how violence was actually defined in the study, numerous other indicators suggest that even raised voices, or aggressive stances may be seen as threatening to children.

Although the study focused on children’s response to low level violence, the research suggests that since a child’s perception of threat might be quite different from the adult’s parents and intimate partners need to be more careful about fighting in front of children.  For a small child a loud voice or excessive anger may in all likelihood seem pretty threatening.

Many parents do try to avoid fighting in front of their children; however, not all disagreements should be entirely hidden from children.  Other studies have found that disagreeing with your partner but working through it in a calm and unaggressive manner can actually help children learn how to deal with conflict.  So, it is not that you should try to hide all conflict from your child, but rather you should try to model appropriate behavior for dealing with it when it arises.

Learning how to deal with conflict is a skill that takes time to develop.  For many adults it is also one that was not taught to them.  If you feel that arguing with your partner is having a negative affect on your children then by all means seek out help.  Therapy, parenting classes, meditation, conflict resolution or mediation, anything that helps you to prevent a sense of insecurity for the child will help.  Of course if you are in an abusive situation, you need to get help immediately in order to spare yourself and your child from continued danger.

Disagreement is not in and of itself a harmful thing as long as you can keep your calm and work towards an agreeable solution for both parties.  Arguing on the other hand can quickly escalate and thereby pose a risk to the peace and security of your home.  Even when it doesn’t escalate to actual violence, as this study makes clear children can be very affected by what might seem to you as non-threatening behavior.  Remember, our actions are being watched by little eyes, so keep your cool and get help if need be.